Tag: grief

Imperfectly Perfect

weather, wind,A strong north wind had been blowing for several days. My son and I had been waiting for more favourable conditions so we could scatter some of Brian’s ashes along the beach that meant so much to him.

Our time to do this was running out as C was flying home the next day. Despite the wind, we headed out just before sunset. Emotions ran high as we wondered how we would know the right spot to stop. Nothing was preplanned. This experience was totally led by our hearts.

I stopped in front of an abandoned house. The ravages of storms had taken their toll on this house, just as the ravages of disease had attacked Brian since his last time on this beach. Somehow this seemed like an appropriate place.

We each took a turn, standing close to the water’s edge as the waves came in, shaking some ashes from the cardboard scattering tube. The tube was covered with a sunset scene over water. So fitting for this time and place.

No matter how far I leaned over the water, the wind blew the ashes back onto the sand. With great insight, C said, “This is the way it was meant to be. Dad loved walking along the beach but didn’t like to go in the water.” Perfect.

Before we turned to go back home, I sent a message to Brian on the wings of the wind. I told him I would always love him and never let his memory deteriorate and be abandoned like the house on the beach behind us. His legacy of love would live on.

Darkness had almost settled over us as we walked back. I glanced behind me and saw the cloud had parted enough so we were able to witness a beautiful sunset over the water.

We may not have known what the time and conditions would be for this emotional and symbolic event, but God did and he worked everything out perfectly.

sunset

Footprints

walk, beachThe morning matched my disposition. I was feeling “off”. There was no sunshine and weather conditions were a little stormy. Still, I felt drawn to go for a walk on the beach.

Amid the footprints in the sand, two sets stood out. They were in the same area which meant the same firmness of sand, but the impressions left were totally different.

One set was steady and left soft imprints of the sole of the footwear. The other was uneven and left a strange, deep design. It was as if the ball of the foot dug much deeper and then curled back, forcing the sand backwards into aa slight ridge. The heel was merely an outline.

I wondered why one set looked uniform and easy and the other seemed to indicate struggle. The conclusion I came to was that they had different levels of support for their feet. Perhaps one had firm soles on their footwear and the other soft ones.

I thought of my life recently. When going through tough challenges I tend to try to handle everything on my own. I will eventually get to where I need to be but the journey is more difficult than necessary. It’s not that support hasn’t been offered. I just think I should be able to do what is needed without inconveniencing others, so don’t reach out or accept the help offered.

These footprints in the sand served as a powerful reminder of how proper support can impact my journey in a positive way.

I look over at my son, walking beside me. He has taken the time to join me as I navigate this formerly familiar but now unknown stretch I’m currently walking. As he helps me through this rough patch, my steps are slowly becoming firmer. Gratitude wells up in my heart and leaks through my eyes.

The proper support makes all the difference. With that in place, I’m going to be fine.

Honest Grief – Guest Post

grief, guest blog, emotions, #inspirationEvery person faces grief in their life. Some are thrust into the deepest, darkest parts of the valley of the shadow of death as they deal with life-altering losses. Serenity McLean is one of those people. With a background in adult education, she wrote Honest Grief to support others in their own unique journey through the valley. She’s my guest blogger today.

Without going into a lot of detail, I’ve lived through three years of loss. No aspect of my life was left untouched by the devastation. I hardly caught my breath from one major loss when the next hit. After three or four, I found it more difficult to get back up and carry on. After eight or nine, my life was a shambles and I was ready to just stay crumpled in a fetal position.

I’ve heard a lot of advice from well-meaning people about what grief should look like. From my perspective of walking in the deepest parts of the valley of the shadow of death, loss and grief, I wonder if many have become caught up in the happy-at-all-costs craze. In today’s instant gratification society, people expect instant happiness. Just look at the popularity of the song Happy – you know the one, “clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth.” Having dealt with a lot of grief, I can honestly say happiness is not the truth. Don’t be fooled into believing a person is failing at life because of an absence of happy while grieving.

The truth is, life is not sunshine and unicorns every day. Most of us will deal with a loss of some significance, and it takes time to come to terms with the pain, anguish, sorrow, regret, remorse, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, and a myriad of very honest and real emotions. In fact, there are more than three dozen challenging emotions common to someone grieving. None of these can be dealt with in three bereavement days. When they all come at once it’s going to take a lot of time and work to address what I call grief stew. There is a road through grief to peace. It just takes time to forge a path through the chaos and turmoil. It simply takes time to seal up the wounds of a broken heart.

So next time your friend experiences the death of their loved one, don’t expect them to find their way out of that valley of the shadow of death quickly. Be gentle with them in their sorrow, because they are being refined. Sorrow is one of the most difficult things we humans can deal with. Be patient with your friend. It takes a long time to complete the journey through that dark and lonely valley. Grief can require months, even years to work through. When your friend emerges from the valley, they will carry deep scars, but they will be exquisitely beautiful. They will be a person of fortitude. They will be someone worth knowing.

One of the best things (and hardest things) you can do for your grieving friend is to stay close. Now more than ever they need a steady true friend. When many disappear because they fear the unhappiness, you can accept this is their journey and remain their friend.

Serenity McLean, the author of five Christian fiction novels, just released Honest Grief, a not-so-ordinary guidebook to surviving the abyss.

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