The last week or two has been difficult. I hadn’t realized how low I had spiralled until, during a phone conversation, a friend asked me what had brought me joy in the past week. As much as I wanted to find something to tell her, I couldn’t. Not a single joyful thought could be found. Loneliness overshadowed everything else.
I’d experienced other times like this during my grief journey, but nothing that had lasted this long. Even though I’d been out and around other people several times, I felt like I was on the outside looking in and not an active participant . All I wanted to do was go back home and hide myself away. Something had to change before depression got a firm hold on me.
A wise woman once said she had observed me make myself invisible when I was out of my comfort zone. The realization that I was again doing that very thing helped to explain why the loneliness was intensified when I was out. It’s hard to interact with someone who has faded so far into the background she can’t be seen.
I have always been on the quiet side until you get to know me. Then, look out as my true personality emerges! When I had a partner to share my thoughts, dreams and everyday life with, this was fine. Past behaviours don’t serve me well in my solo life.
Many years ago, when Brian and I were first dating, he took me on a road trip to meet his uncle, aunt and cousins. It was late when we arrived and most of the family were asleep. The next morning I was awake, dressed and sitting on my bed, with the door open, so I’d see when Brian got up. He slept in and I had a long wait! His uncle stopped at my door and encouraged me to come downstairs with the family. His words, “Don’t be backwards about coming forwards,” are ones I have never forgotten.
Not forgotten but also not always practiced. While I learn to navigate this new journey I travel, Uncle Tom’s advice may be just what I need to help me rediscover who am I and find joy once again.
I know my life holds meaning and purpose and in order to fulfill that I can not and will not become an invisible woman. If you happen to see me performing my great disappearing act, please remind me of this.