The last week or two has been difficult. I hadn’t realized how low I had spiralled until, during a phone conversation, a friend asked me what had brought me joy in the past week. As much as I wanted to find something to tell her, I couldn’t. Not a single joyful thought could be found. Loneliness overshadowed everything else.
I’d experienced other times like this during my grief journey, but nothing that had lasted this long. Even though I’d been out and around other people several times, I felt like I was on the outside looking in and not an active participant . All I wanted to do was go back home and hide myself away. Something had to change before depression got a firm hold on me.
A wise woman once said she had observed me make myself invisible when I was out of my comfort zone. The realization that I was again doing that very thing helped to explain why the loneliness was intensified when I was out. It’s hard to interact with someone who has faded so far into the background she can’t be seen.
I have always been on the quiet side until you get to know me. Then, look out as my true personality emerges! When I had a partner to share my thoughts, dreams and everyday life with, this was fine. Past behaviours don’t serve me well in my solo life.
Many years ago, when Brian and I were first dating, he took me on a road trip to meet his uncle, aunt and cousins. It was late when we arrived and most of the family were asleep. The next morning I was awake, dressed and sitting on my bed, with the door open, so I’d see when Brian got up. He slept in and I had a long wait! His uncle stopped at my door and encouraged me to come downstairs with the family. His words, “Don’t be backwards about coming forwards,” are ones I have never forgotten.
Not forgotten but also not always practiced. While I learn to navigate this new journey I travel, Uncle Tom’s advice may be just what I need to help me rediscover who am I and find joy once again.
I know my life holds meaning and purpose and in order to fulfill that I can not and will not become an invisible woman. If you happen to see me performing my great disappearing act, please remind me of this.
10 thoughts on “The Invisible Woman”
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Thank you Tandy.
Lois, I imagine you have experienced similar to what I wrote about. Sending much love your way.
Thanks so much for sharing this Tandy!
Miss you and I think of you every day
I appreciate you, Sheila
Love this, Tandy. Thanks for sharing!
I’m glad you liked it!
Dear Sweet Tandy,
You are amazing!
Please be sure to give yourself some grace, as grief is a process.
My John passed away January 16, 2012, Wow that was 13 years ago! I can totally relate to wanting to hibernate in my solitude in my cave, as most people I do know are part of a couple and I tend to get the 3rd wheel feeling. I have connections with the women through my church, but atlas, I am still working at a job, and they are blessed to be able to retire. When I had my dog, I was sharing the everyday conversations with her, and making myself get out and about, as she needed to go for walks and play time with other dogs. Now that she is gone, it is just easier for me to hibernate. Thank God the weather has been so bad, it helps with the excuse of not being able to get out due to the cold. My eldest daughter and her husband are great for me, they will notice that it has been a bit since Mom went out and they will invite me for dinner, or to the dog park with their new puppy, but I do not want to be a burden to them so when I get that lonliness feeling I sit quitely hoping someone will spontaneously invite me out somewhere. I love what your Uncle told you, and I have written it down to try to remind myself “Just go for it” Thank you for sharing your writings with your friends. (I hope we are still friends…lol) I does remind me that there are others in this world that make my feelings normal.
Christine, you understand better than most, the feelings I’m experiencing. We are overdue to get together. I hope we can do that once I’m home towards the end of March. Until then, sending you a big hug.
Take care, Tandy. The journey back will be your challenge and with your continued faith in God, you will find your way. This I know and so do you. Be patient with yourself and feel that you can lean on God, your family and friends at this time.
Thanks, Marian. God is guiding me every step of the way.